Regret
by Ascalon The Demoknight
Summary: Death is everywhere. The dead of the 57th Expedition number in hundreds, and humanity's faith in the Survey Corps is all but gone. In the midst of this morbid reality is Captain Levi, stoic, silent and unfeeling. At least, that's what everyone else believes. Levi x Petra


Petra was dead. Levi knew that- he was there when the Female Titan crushed her. He took form from one of the Military Police members, Levi gave it a brief, cursory glance. It was a post-mortem form- one to be filled out by the leader of a squad upon the death of one of its members. On the second page was printed an extensive list of just about every circumstance of death by Titan one could imagine. Levi's eyes ran down the page. Cause of death- concussion, ingestion, strangulation… A number of lines down, Levi filled in the box beside 'Crushed to death'.

Levi folded the form and slotted it into his coat pocket. He hated filling out forms. Especially for something as morbid as death- couldn't someone else do it? No, probably not. Captain Levi himself was one of a very small group of people who had the stomach to deal with the deluge of deaths in the Survey Corps. Nobody around him, he thought, could do it. Only Levi himself could deal with the ugly technicalities surrounding death. That was, after all, why people revered him with an almost-religious zeal. He was cold. He was unwavering. He was emotionless.

The solemn reverberations of the drums sounded, signaling the entrance of the corpses. The first one was carried in, lifted on the shoulders of two men whose hollow eyes stared soullessly ahead of them as if seeing a vision of their own demise. As soon as the procession entered, the familiar, discordant refrain of wails and sobs came, flooding the hall like an ominous mist. The tears inevitably began. Eren himself wept, his sobs coming in loud, shrieking cries, his sister helpless at the sight. Levi, of course, did not.

"Petra Ral." said the coroner, his toneless voice followed by the entrance of the corpse. The Survey Corps managed to recover the body, surprisingly undamaged by Annie. For a brief moment, Levi's eyes met those of her father, mere hours before boasting about his daughter. Now her father's fiery stare bore holes into Levi. After what seemed like an eternity, the Captain broke eye contact, glancing downwards. Humanity's most powerful soldier grimaced as her father's silent curses lingered in his ears.

_You swore you would guard her. Levi, you swore you would protect her. That was your job as a soldier._

_And you failed._

_She trusted you._

_She trusted me_, Levi thought. _And I failed her._

One, two... Levi painfully counted the seconds, waiting, hoping, pleading.

His thoughts wandered back to Petra. Her smile was typical of the sort of crazy idealist that would join the Survey Corps. She made a name for herself as one of the most valuable assets to humanity. About twenty of her assists were for him, and fifteen of his were for her. Odd, he thought. When put that way, it almost made Titan-killing seem like a sport. In her he found- or at least, found something close to- a friend. Now, with her dead, he mourned, just as anyone would do in such a situation.

The body was laid down and the shroud covering her face parted. Her body had been cleaned a little while beforehand, and the horrific bloodstain on her face was now wiped away. Her eyes were closed and her muscles relaxed, and her wounds were concealed by the thin cloth covering her body. She looked as if she was merely sleeping and not dead. She was peaceful. Levi approached the body. After what seemed like an eternity, he resigned himself to the realization that she was not just a soldier to him.

She was more than a comrade.

She was the only person in the world that Levi would die for.

Again, the Captain's thoughts turned to his fallen friend, and he began to grind his teeth. At the front of the hall, illuminated by the torches, a small procession of people lined up over the bodies, muttering briefly to them before retiring, or haplessly breaking down. As someone in the procession would tell him, the military allowed a small period of time to the mourning families to say something to the fallen.

_Ridiculous, _thought Levi. _They can't hear you._

Neither the maimed bodies of those in the doomed right wing, nor the rest of those killed by Annie could hear them. It wouldn't have mattered if they did- their words would be useless. Words do not bring back the dead.

As soon as the silent thought escaped his lips, the tearing feeling inside of him grew stronger, and he faced the body of Petra. It was ridiculous. There would be no point in telling her- what would he say that was of use- and yet he wanted, no, needed to say something. He wanted closure.

When he approached her corpse, he was the last one to speak. Everyone else was preoccupied, staring hollowly at the front of the hall, cursing the military, the Titans, everything. The nearest person was more than a few feet away from him. Kneeling down, he leaned over, very slightly, murmuring a brief apology to the girl.

"Petra..." Levi said, trailing off. After a long silence, he spoke again. "I'm sorry."

Sorry for what? She had died as she always wanted to, fighting for humanity. When she swore her pact, she was full of ideals. On that day, it became clear that she only had one wish. She wanted to either see the victory of humanity, or die for humanity. The moment before she died, her mauled body must have felt a small tinge of joy. After all, what was more honourable than dying by a Titan's hand? She was fulfilled.

Levi was not.

Instantly, a torrent of regret washed over Levi. Did Petra care about him? He didn't know. In fact, the question was useless now. Whether she did or not, the fact remained that she was dead. But when she still lived, breathed and fought alongside him, Levi wondered, what did she see in him? She certainly saw a reliable superior. But that was all she could see, Levi thought. He could only guess what Petra saw in his dark, glassy eyes that seemed to hint at the empty, hollow shell that was himself. Did she have feelings for him? Levi didn't know. All he knew was regret. Regret that, when she was alive, he never told her she was more than a soldier to him. Regret that he never let her know that he would die for her without hesitation.

Regret that he never told her he loved her.

There was no point in denying it anymore. He loved her, he valued her more than himself. Only she gave him the energy to kill, to fight through each painful day surrounded by loneliness and disappointment. Her innocent smile, her beautiful laugh, everything. He could not bring her back to life, despite the most fervent wishes boiling inside his soul. Death was final, death was complete. Yet his anguish was not the horror of death. It was the fact that, despite his efforts, she would never know that he loved her. Would his feelings have been reciprocated? Levi's mind was clouded; he could not think too far. And for that moment, he did not care. All he wanted was to let her know he loved her.

Around him the crowd listened to the words of the authorities and the wall-worshippers, and the corpses were forgotten, at least for a while. Unseen by the faithless crowd, disregarded by all in attendance, Levi knelt down and slowly pressed the cold hand of Petra into his.

Straining to enunciate every word, Levi said, in a broken whisper, "I...loved you, Petra...I'm sorry I..."

He could say no more, and frustrated, stood up, momentarily stroking Petra's cheek as if wiping away a tear. He was frozen, an angry desire to leave and a powerful call to stay simultaneously clashing within him. His emotions boiled inside him, concealed by his pale disposition. Filled with anger, he refused to face any of the attendants and stayed, taking a small step towards her. Laying his hand on her forehead, he tried to say something, but could not.

As Levi took one last look at her, a single tear stained his face.

* * *

**Assume Petra's body was actually recovered.**


End file.
